I’ve recently returned to the US from Ukraine, where I lived for most of the year. It truly feels good to be back. I’ve been spending quality time with friends and family. Spending time in a Western country allows me to appreciate some of the finer things in life that I completely took for granted before. Like potable tap water and roads without potholes that swallow cars.
My caring mother doesn’t understand my work and wants me to have a more stable and secure life. She also wants me to settle down with a nice girl and have many children. According to her, it’s time for me to rejoin civilization. After resisting for many years, I decided that she was right all along. It’s time to rejoin civilization.
I will miss my return flight to Eastern Europe and remain in America. After all, only losers leave the ‘The Land of The Free,’ the richest and freest country in the world and move to some third-world Eastern European shithole.
The first thing I will do is abandon all my current businesses as well as all future business plans. In all honesty, I’m tired of constantly coming up with new ideas, endlessly testing to see if they work and launching new products. I’m tired of the endless risks. I’m tired of the endless struggle. I want something easy, simple and predictable. I want someone else to do the thinking for me.
I’m tired of waking up naturally at 10 or 11 am and working alone from home or some hipster coffee shop with a nice view of the city center. I want to be surrounded by people everywhere I go. Tons of people. Masses of people. I can’t wait to commute to work in packed trains or drive to work in heavy bumper-to-bumper traffic. After all, being surrounded by masses everywhere I go means I’m doing something right. There’s security in the masses. The more people, the better.
That also reminds me how sick and tired I am of working at home in my underwear or some random t-shirt. It’s time to step up and put on a suit. I don’t remember the last time I needed one to make ends meet, but I’m pretty certain I have one somewhere that I can dust off and put to good use.
Above all, what I truly yearn for is stability. Yes, stability. What a nice and beautiful word. As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing better than a nice and comfortable job at a large corporation. Maybe a big investment bank or a consulting firm. The bigger the company, the better. I’m really looking forward to having a bi-weekly salary deposited into my bank account. It’s so nice to have someone else do the thinking for me.
The problem is that nobody wants to hire a college dropout like me. College dropouts are losers. So, I will return to college and finish my bachelors. After that, I will also go to a business school and get an MBA for good measure. And, anyway, education is important; it’s a mystery of the universe how I made it so far in life without a formal education.
Through years of experience, I’ve come to realize that the secret to a woman’s heart is a responsible and hard-working man. Having a stable job at a stable multinational corporation will finally allow me to land a quality woman who’s ready to settle down.
We would go on several dates. On the second date, she would tell me that her biological clock is ticking and that her parents are pressuring her to have children. I will rightfully oblige. I will buy her a $15,000 diamond ring from Tiffany’s. I will propose to her at an expensive Italian restaurant in Manhattan. She will smile, cry, post the picture on Instagram while bragging what a nice boyfriend she has. Fortunately, she’ll say “yes.” We will have a $100,000 wedding with a hundred of her closest friends and family and about twenty of mine.
I will take a 100-year mortgage and purchase a house in a suburban neighborhood. It will have two stories and an immaculate white picket fence. Having a mortgage will ensure a lifetime of financial responsibility.
I will embrace this new responsibility with renewed vigor and pride. I will work hard, coming to work at eight in the morning and not leaving before six in the evening. Every now and then, when lots of numbers need to be filled into lots of spreadsheets, I will work longer hours, not coming home until 7 or 8 pm, sometimes even 10 pm.
After a long day of work, I will come home exhausted. The last thing on my mind would be talking to my wife and hearing about her day. I will lifelessly lay on the couch, while cycling through whatever is on Netflix or the evening news. Pursuing an interesting hobby or some side business would be out of the question.
Every year, I will beg my boss for a two-week vacation. The first couple of times, my boss will conveniently forget my request, so I’ll need to remind him again and again. If my boss is in a good mood, he’ll let me take a week or ten days off at a time. Instead of going to random and confusing places where people communicate in languages I don’t understand, I will keep it simple and fly to Ft. Lauderdale or Key West. Should I feel super adventurous, I might fly to Cancun where I will stay in an all-inclusive hotel. Life is tough as it is, so there’s no need for extra stress by interacting with weird locals who don’t speak English.
From time to time, my work will get so monotonous that I’ll entertain forbidden thoughts of going on my own and starting some business. Fortunately, these thoughts will quickly disappear when I’ll rationalize them away remembering that “9/10 businesses fail” and that successful businessmen are born not made. People are either born slaves or masters. Guys like me are born slaves. Fortunately, this justification will be easier because I’ll be surrounded by lots of colleagues who will feel the same way during our regularly scheduled talks by the company water cooler.
One day, I’ll wake up as an old and senile man who hadn’t had morning wood in 30 years. While mindlessly surfing the Internet, I will stumble on a random website of a random guy who’s living abroad. Naturally, I’ll be skeptical first but, over several months, my interest will gradually increase.
As I read articles on the website, I’ll learn about this magical world beyond the West where men are masculine and women are feminine. I will learn about the beautiful feminine women who treat their men with utmost respect and reverence. A world where chivalry isn’t just alive but thriving. A world where men and women cooperate instead of competing. A world that’s not based on corrosive consumerism and cut-throat capitalism. Best of all, I’ll discover a world where a very comfortable quality of life can be had for a fraction of the comparable level in the West.
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